The church bell echoed, making Jesse stop walking and stare at the bright sky. The happy cheers and all salutations from here and there were heart-wrenching. The happiness that was supposed to be an idyllic memory makes Jesse want to discard it from his head.
He can still remember how the rose petals were thrown into the aisle, as the smells also filled his sense of smell. The smiles from people he adored made his heart race like crazy, and his legs were trembling, almost out of power. However, he knew that it was a very important thing to him, and to Hokuto, that he couldn’t mess it up. A night to remember. A night of a lifetime.
Until now, Jesse has kept Hokuto as his sole companion.
"I’m Jesse ,"
"I'm Hokuto,"
The picture of how they met for the first time is still crystal clear in Jesse’s mind. Their encounter was just a mere twist of fate, and it was too good to be true. Jesse knew how everyone would react, so they agreed to say that they met in a restaurant that they used to come to by themselves.
A classic scenario about someone’s encounter that used to be seen in a drama.
But it’s not completely a lie.
Their encounter truly felt like a drama. It was impossible to happen, but it happened. Jesse is wondering if Hokuto feels the way he feels.
"Jesse !"
Hokuto’s fragile figure often worries him when he walks up to that 6-foot man. Jesse knows how cutely clumsy Hokuto is, so he used to tell him to stop, so then Jesse could run to Hokuto instead. He was afraid that Hokuto would shatter into pieces once he lost his gravity. Exactly like how they were in a fragile state of mind when they just met.
" It’s really strange. I used to not be so open to the people I just met ,"
Hokuto was wiping away his tears as he couldn’t handle his pain any longer. He was telling Jesse about his worry and how his relationship was going with Taiga, his partner back then. It was sorrowful, but the most sorrowful thing is that Jesse feels the same way as he did. They were just in the same state where they felt unwanted. Jesse thought it was empathy, but then he realized that he wants to embrace Hokuto tightly.
But who was he? He was nothing more than a stranger, grateful for the opportunity to get to know Hokuto better.
Jesse knew he couldn’t go any further, but he also wanted to be happy.
"Do you want to move somewhere?"
Jesse never thought that fate would feel like a stroke of luck. He was supposed to be happy with the luck he had, but he felt so wrong to think that God was on his side. However, Jesse seemed like he didn’t regret what he did.
Jesse was in full consent when he asked Hokuto to move somewhere. He doesn’t care if he was actually carried by the flow, but he wanted to be released from the shackles that weigh on his heart. He was tired of this situation where he couldn’t keep up with one’s expectations. And all that came to mind was the warmth he could find between two humans who were in pain.
That night, Jesse stained Hokuto’s holy life. He felt like a piece of shit, having avenged himself on anyone else by being a prick just to let someone know his presence. He made Hokuto’s life more complicated. He was supposed to not step into Hokuto’s life, but he was being selfish to get that chance to have the spotlight on him. Jesse was unable to control his lust, and as Hokuto seemed to not mind about that, Jesse was carried away by Hokuto’s acceptance.
"Thank you for today, "
Their secret encounter was getting more and more intense. Deeper, more intense, and intimate. Jesse remembered Hokuto coming to him whenever he couldn't polish his problem, and Jesse didn't mind doing all that matter to him. Jesse was supposed to know that it was just a vicious cycle that placed him in an unfavorable position again and again, just like what happened to him until now. He could just be all ears to Hokuto, but not sink his teeth into him because of who the hell he is to him.
However, Jesse can’t let that chance go, even if it’s just as tiny as dust.
He wishes to be the one on whom Hokuto can rely. The first and only one who got his back.
"I broke up with him ,"
Hokuto’s words were sketching the whole white paper on the next page of Jesse’s life. Jesse knew how badly Hokuto wanted to be released from the toxic relationship he had with Taiga, and he was so done with all of the burdensome feelings that filled his chest. Jesse knew Hokuto just wanted to be happy, and Jesse was happy that Hokuto chose him to be with him.
"Congratulations, guys! "
Jesse's attention was drawn to the stalks as a special greeting from someone among the guests arriving. That was Jesse's first and last encounter with the man who had caused the most pain to Hokuto. He was speechless when he learned that Hokuto had summoned the courage to invite Taiga to their party.
How foolish of me to nod at your crazy request and think it would be fun.
Jesse was knocked down with a feather to see Hokuto smile gently, but he felt this heart-wrenching feeling when he saw Hokuto smiling at Taiga.
They were supposed to have their best smile on their wedding day. They were supposed to show people that this is their victory . That they finally reached their own happiness and be there for each other.
Is this jealousy? Or it’s just how I can’t take the fact that he hurt you?
And after all that happened, why does he still have the courage to show up?
"Masaya,"
Sure Jesse still had his own issue to deal with. Only one man in his life addresses him by his middle name. The man who put him in an unfavorable position, making him question his worth.
Why did I done the same either to invite Yugo to my party?
"You’re coming…,"
Jesse recalled how he couldn't smile earnestly when he saw Yugo arrive at his happy day, leaving him lost in thought that there was another who dared to come. He thought he was hallucinating, as he still can't understand why Yugo dumped him.
"I can’t believe we’re heading to the same place," Yugo laughed purely as he has nothing to do in this situation. "This is Taiga, my partner,"
Jesse could remember how Hokuto and Jesse were dumbfounded by what they found. God must be playing with them until Hokuto and Jesse can be united.
That was the most hilarious thing that God made for them.
Jesse no longer harbored hatred for Taiga, who hurt Hokuto. He also no longer felt the pain that Yugo gave him. They no longer have a reason to take revenge because they are united with each partner, who helps them find their own happiness.
If it wasn’t because of Taiga, maybe Jesse would still be with Yugo. Being in a toxic relationship, feeling unwanted, and questioning one's self-worth.
And if it wasn’t because of Yugo, he wouldn't have found Hokuto, which made Jesse look at the world more broadly. Thanks to Yugo, Jesse could become a strong person and have the desire to protect someone who considers himself valuable with all his heart.
It was supposed to be like that . . . .
Chirp… Chirp…
The sound of birds in the morning no longer feels warm. Every time Jesse opened his eyes, all he felt was silence. The frequent noises that came from the deafening silence made Jesse even more aware that he was alone. The coffee in the morning no longer tasted sweet. No matter how much sugar he poured into his glass with the cream, the pleasure did not feel good to his taste buds. The food he liked no longer whetted his appetite, especially when he saw what was in front of him.
Jesse was staring away empty and returning to tears every time he looked at the photo of Hokuto, which was displayed nicely on the drawer. His bright and cute smile made Jesse recall the warmth of being in Hokuto’s body. The picture of the casket and the smell of incense flashed through Jesse's mind, making him lose his mind again and again. He doesn’t know how many times the furniture in his house has been broken because the man couldn't accept the truth.
Jesse didn't even dare to turn over Hokuto's photo. The closer he got to the photo, the more his chest was in pain. Pain that will not cause him to die immediately and be reunited with his better half.
Jesse was going through a lot of heartbreak. But this is the most heartbreaking truth he got to walk off with.
Jesse couldn't forget the feeling as he stared straight at Hokuto, who was lying peacefully. He could only think what Hokuto was currently thinking when he found his body was no longer able to move as freely as he wanted. Until the end, Hokuto still looked so pretty in his eternal sleep.
But when Jesse realized what was actually going on, he started to lose himself.
What could I do to get you back?
Church bells no longer sound sacred in his ears. The various rhythms that play still sound the same to his ears. The view of the guests who previously came in with brightly colored clothes, now came in wearing black clothes.
The bell of happiness is no longer the same. Everything feels so miserable and painful. Jesse no longer cares about all the words they gave him. Everything just sounded like noise. No matter how many condolences he received and the tears they spilled, it would not bring Hokuto back to him.
Hokuto, are you suffering in there?
Sometimes, Jesse could just stare at the sky and try to call Hokuto’s name. The sun's rays and the bright sky didn’t even soothe him down. The upbeat music was so deafening and clangorous. Their love song somehow turned into a heartbroken song.
"Hokuto,"
Too many days to be counted as Jesse keeps looking at their wedding photo. He can no longer express his feelings verbally since Hokuto is no longer with him.
Tears streamed down his cheeks as Jesse finally pulled himself together enough to take a photo frame with Hokuto's figure inside. He felt Hokuto was making fun of him while he was all hell broken. Hokuto must be thinking Jesse is the weakest person in the world just because he can’t live without him.
However, Jesse could not let his rage out. He couldn’t even scream anymore, not even let Hokuto’s presence in his mind gone.
He'd had enough of separating Hokuto's body from him, but he wasn't prepared to pull Hokuto from his memory just to live. Jesse still wanted him to be inside his heart, sleeping soundly with all the unspeakable love words for him that he had.
God, is this my punishment to hold him in such a dirty way?
Is this my punishment to stain his life?
Jesse was too weak. Every time he tried to say good night, or how much he loves Hokuto until now, his voice was gone. Tears started to fall, and he ended up kneeling down in front of his drawer with Hokuto’s photo in his hand. The iron wall he built inside his heart melted down as he called his name.
In the end, I’m still standing in this unfavorable situation…
"Hokuto…"
No matter how many times he tried to call Hokuto, he still didn’t show up. Whatever he did, Hokuto didn’t even reach him, even though it was just a dream.
Was my voice too weak?
Were you too far?
Hokuto…
Why don’t you call my name?
Please answer me and tell me that it’s all a lie…
"Jes, would you like to go somewhere? "
"Of course, "
"Where do you think is the best place to go? "
"You’re the one who asked me! Hahaha, "
All of their idle conversations had become so valuable. Jesse deeply regretted every second he didn't spend with Hokuto. Even though Hokuto was always with him, Jesse was hoping that if only he could make him happier, maybe Jesse wouldn’t feel this much regret.
"Jesse, hurry up! We have to get the best spot in here!"
The picture of Hokuto chasing after an empty spot under a cherry tree left an imprint on Jesse’s memory. As usual, Hokuto could just cause as much concern as if he tripped over his own feet.
You always left me behind…
It had never been more delightful as I could see your playful smile…
Now I can’t see the excitement of how you left me behind…
If only I could wrap my arms around you...
Whatever Jesse did was pointless. Jesse couldn't get there no matter how far he tried. Hokuto was too far away, and his voice didn't even reach him.
"Hokuto, happy birthday,"
Jesse put a bouquet of blue daisies in front of the urn containing Hokuto’s cremation ashes, which Jesse used to talk to every day. Even though he never gets any response, Jesse can’t stop talking there every day, as he was in his fantasy, imagining Hokuto was still listening to all his words.
However, whenever Jesse had a mental breakdown, no one would caress his back anymore. And whenever he asked him when he'd come to see him, Hokuto didn’t give him any certainty.
"Hey Hokuto. Do you know what blue daisy means? It means long-term loyalty and trust,"
It was like screaming inside a soundproof room. No one felt Jesse's pain, and he didn’t know when this pain would end either.
"Jesse, don’t cry, "
The uncontrollable longing for Hokuto's presence brought him to tears in his sleep. His figure came carrying the blue daisies Jesse gave, making Hokuto look so beautiful with his shining white attire. His shining face radiated a dazzling look. Happiness mixed with feelings of sadness made Jesse doesn’t want to wake up from his sleep. He just wanted Hokuto to keep caressing his cheeks and spoiling him like a child who came home complaining after being hurt. Jesse doesn't care about tomorrow. He just wanted to be with Hokuto.
"Hokuto, there’s something I need to tell you," Jesse whispered in hesitation. He hoped that this time Hokuto could hear him clearly as he trembled precariously to reach him after such a long time.
"Hm ?" Finally, after all this time, Jesse got the response he wanted, even though it was just his tilted head.
"I love you more than anything," The sentence that had been stuck in Jesse's mouth slipped out smoothly. His fear of expressing his feelings of love for someone who has disappeared makes Jesse unable to say it honestly. Now his heart felt so relieved when the man came to him so that he could say it in person. "I love you… I really love you,"
"I know that, "
Hokuto's beam which widened, made Jesse scream even more pitifully. Jesse was suddenly thrown into a tizzy when he realized that Hokuto would leave him again. Jesse also knew that Hokuto must have thought he couldn't stay with him for long. Even so, Jesse still wished Hokuto would give him the chance to hold his hand tightly and kiss him one more time.
"Jesse, I’m home! "
Until now, Jesse was still looking at the entrance when it was already 7 p.m. His body even reflexively moved to welcome Hokuto, even though Jesse knew that no one was coming home to his house but himself. Hokuto wasn't going anywhere, and he wasn't returning from somewhere either. Hokuto remained sitting, waiting for Jesse by the drawer where the urn was placed. He was smiling gently at Jesse's broken heart as he harken back to his leave.
Even now, it feels like Jesse still often hears Hokuto's voice greeting him. Jesse also tried to answer it as if he was really with him.
"Maybe he’s coming home late today. Let’s just pull out the key so he could use his when he gets back home,"
Jesse pulled out his key and put it on a cute crystal plate.
Even until now, Jesse was still waiting for Hokuto to come home . . .
.
.
.
"Jes…"
".....,"
"Jesse,"
".....,"
"Jesse, are you okay? You’re having a bad dream?"
Jesse touched his cheeks and found tears that flowed heavily. Hokuto's beautiful hand stroked his cheeks gently, wiping away tears that kept falling. His face looked worried, but he seemed not to understand what was happening.
"Was that a dream?" Jesse grabbed Hokuto’s arm so tight that it made Hokuto gasp. He woke up in haste and immediately felt Hokuto’s face with his hands.
"Well, I guess?" Hokuto still seemed at sea. "I heard you crying so bad. Then I thought you were still sleeping. Are you okay? What are you dreaming about?"
"....You’re gone," Jesse’s tears haven’t stopped falling. His voice was shaking like crazy, and his hands were full of cold sweat. ".....It felt so real… I keep calling you, but you won’t answer me. And then you came to my dream, bringing a bouquet of blue daisies, and you were trying to leave me for good… And then….,"
"Hey, hey! It’s okay! It’s okay! I’m here… It’s all good," Hokuto cupped Jesse’s face as he heard Jesse’s voice whimpering. He then gave him a warm hug and gently rubbed his back, knowing that this was the most effective way to calm Jesse down. "Jesse, don’t cry! I’m here… I’m not going anywhere,"
Hokuto's tone was so exactly like the angel who came into Jesse's dream and made his tears explode. Jesse tightened his arms as if he was making sure Hokuto really existed and would not leave him alone.
"Don’t leave me alone," Jesse sobbed. His tightening grip unintentionally touched his wedding ring. It was still shining as it was just tucked in there, and the view of a hotel room made him realize that they just had their wedding ceremony the previous day.
It was just a night, and Jesse's emotional state appears to have shifted significantly right after marrying Hokuto. He loved Hokuto so much that he worried so much about what would happen when they separated. He no longer thinks about what kind of separation happened to him with Yugo, but it was the death that made him unable to live life without Hokuto's presence.
Despite the fact that it was a dream, Jesse promised that his marriage to Hokuto would not be in vain. He did not want to regret the slightest thing in his life, and he promised to hold Hokuto's hand until the end of his life.
"I’m not gonna leave you," Hokuto whispered. "I’ll take you wherever I go,"
~
~
~
My Lifetime - END